It's something related to shifting gears. There I was, sitting the the Liberty, back at DIA. Upset that my time in Haiti was cut short, unable to stop thinking about my friends, and my patients at JP and trying to justify why it was that I had changed my ticket, yet again--and had flown back early so that I could make sure that I would get back to work in time.
And ironically, as I started the jeep, tired/exhausted/frustrated, my clutch went out. I was stuck in neutral. Unable to maneuver into reverse, let alone into a forward gear. That was -me-. Stuck.
And I just sat there. The fucking jeep started. So why not just sit there and listen to music, let the heat run. I even contemplated just sleeping in the fucking thing. My friends in PaP knew I'd left, but outside of that very few people knew where in the world I was. I wasn't sure where I was. But -this- was defeat.
The irony wasn't loss on me. Jeep donated 8 Jeeps to JP. Four Jeep Laredo's and four Jeep Wrangler--and the clutch had burned out on three of them. As I was walking to my Jeep, the thought crossed my mind that I needed to get AAA-- my clutch was showing signs of fatigue. The universe beat me to it. My clutch was dead. I didn't have AAA.
I felt stuck in neutral. I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to be here. I'm in a state of lateral movement. I'm gaining skills and confidence as a physician, I'll start my MPH (Masters in Public Health) in a month, I'm putting money away for future rainy days, but every day I don't see the progress forward... progress toward finding that niche where I'm meant to be; be it in Haiti, South Africa, Sudan, Cote d'Ivoire, Lesotho.
People ask... but how do I explain. How do I explain what it is like to show up to PaP and see the level of fatigue on your friend's faces. How do I explain how phenomenal it is to see the amazing expansion of the medical services at clinic. H0w do I explain how fucking pissed off I feel that Haitians are lying on cholera beds puking their fucking guts out while having diarrhea--in TOTAL LACK OF PRIVACY AND DIGNITY, and even worse, families have survived the earthquake, shitty existence sine then, and then died from a completely fucking curable and avoidable illness???? How do I explain that tomorrow I'm rounding on a 91 year old female who has an incurable cancer, but whose family wants everything done to prolong her life?? This kills me.
And so, I'm stuck in neutral. I'm not making forward progress. I'm not slipping in reverse. I'm just iddling. A necessary evil til I can get the pieces in order to go forward. (And trust me, every single day when I wake up I look toward that next mission).
Ironically... Ironically as I was sitting in the back of my ride as we headed toward the airport in Port-au-Prince, we passed innumerable decapitated vehicles on the road. And I wondered about the owners. Some of those vehicles had tires missing. Some had the engines torn apart. There was likely little hope that those cars would ever get back into moveable shape.
And so I turned off the radio. I'm lucky. I got on my iphone and booked a rental car. I have the means to fix my fucking clutch, and I this is a minor annoyance, but totally manageable.
I'll be stuck in neutral for a bit... Til then, I'll continue to admire my pals who are moving forward and making the world better (Jack, Beth, Phil, Melissa, Maeve, Jeff, The National Docs, Pete, Bruce, and on and on)...
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