Reading Time

I just want time to read. That's the thing that I crave the most these days. I have a huge stack of magazines, a new cook book, the new Mitch Albom book plus 3 other books that I've read a few pages of, all overflowing on my night stand and the side table by my reading table. I'm making time to read. That's a lie. I'm taking a vacation to read. All I'm going to pack for my trip to Ireland next week are things to read. "What are you going to do in Ireland?" people ask with regularity. Well, honest to god I plan to spend the days in cafes reading, and the nights in pubs socializing. It'll be nice to go back to a surrogate home where there's nothing touristy to do, but really it's forced relaxation, down time to read, to chill out. Giving my brain time to recoup. Take a break from the medical world, take a break from reading about patient conditions, about ICU management (not that I ever feel like I have read enough for work), and just relax with good books. I can't wait...

Low Point...

I hit the low point on-call last night.

Things just didn't go right. I had an hour-long family meeting with hyper-attentive adult children of a 70 year old lady (I don't want to go into details, ask me in person why I NEVER WANT TO WORK WITH WHITE UPPER CLASS FUCKERS), and then got nickled-and-dimed all night long 3 pain-in-the-ass nurses (the other 7 nurses were awesome as usual) . Sorry, I usually don't speak un-highly of nurses, but last night the surgery ICU resident and myself were starting to plot revenge on a couple of nurses who were the cause of misery.

The good part: while this was the low point of the month, my initial response was not to consider quitting residency, not to throw anything, not to punch, hit, spit, nor kick, but rather to realize that I am FUCKING exhausted. Mental Fatigue. Physical Fatigue. Emotional Fatigue. And the best part is that there is this one-week mentality. When you're down to the final stretch, it's all manageable. Had I hit the low point a week ago, you can bet I would have resorted to some less than mature coping mechanisms...

Know what I can't figure out. I work "80" hours a week. I know how residents in past worked 100+ hours a week (I did work 96 hours one week last year), what kind of quality of life was there back then. What kind of lack of balance was there... Jesus, I'd be a miserable SOB if I had to work those hours for more than a month, shit more than a week or two..

So, it's almost midnight. I came home this afternoon, slept about 2 hours, then went to see the Bare Naked Ladies concert with Patrick. What a great show. We had a good time.

Ok, getting up in less than 6 hours...
Cheers,
Brian

Random Thoughts

1-End of the Golden Weekend. Been relatively relaxing. Got very intoxicated Friday night. Was worth it. Thursday night on-call was somewhat painful, with only maybe 20-30 minutes of sleep, so going out and hitting it hard on Friday was a nice release. I'm sure there are plenty of red flags in there, but... Just chilled out most of yesterday. Had dinner with some friends. Spending today trying to stay on the low-down... Have been to the gym, and am going to get outside for a while this afternoon to enjoy the gorgeous New England fall colours, but then will plan on staying in my flat chilling out..

2-ICU Month. Coming to an end. Just over a week and a half to go, 3 more calls. It's been a really good month. I think I've learned quite a bit as well. If I were going to go into a fellowship, it would be a tough competition between infectious disease and critical care. Have been taking care of two very interesting patients for most of the past week. I've spent a lot of time thinking about how aggressive I'd want to be treated if I were critically unwell. It's kind of tough to know exactly what I'd want done. I'd encourage people to think about this.

3-JP. Back on the pedi ward. Saw her briefly before I left Friday. She didn't look as bad as I'd seen her before. Her mom has made her DNR/DNI (no resuscitation), which is a decision I agree with completely.

4-Patrick. It's been a bit tough this past week or two, I've certainly had a full plate, and work is keeping him busy. I'm not sure I've been the most pleasant person to be around. We're definitely looking forward to my schedule next month when things will resemble a bit of a more normal person's schedule. I certainly am learning that relationships require a fair amount of work as well. Thankfully, we're pretty good at communicating.

That's really the bulk of my life right now. Me. Work. Dating.
B

Motions...

Some days you just feel yourself going through the motions. Not really paying attention to the finer details. You're there, but not present. Running on autopilot. That's me lately. Running on autopilot. It's the second time I have been stuck on autopilot, the last time was back in March. March was way worse though. I remember so badly needing to get away from it all then, and that's the weekend I went away, found a nice B&B and spent my golden weekend enjoying solitude. Golden weekend is when you're post-call on Friday (meaning work ends around noonish), and then you're free Saturday and Sunday. A golden weekend is GOLD. A prized possession. GOLD. Fantasies about how to spend the golden weekend crop up weeks before it arrives. Am I going away again? I fantasize about driving away, and spending Friday night in a B&B in the mountains, or on the coast. Or flying somewhere. Escaping from my current over-worked life. But then, as the time draws nearer, the work required to find a place to go, to pack, to drive all seem almost insurmountable. It's also tough to justify the cost, given that I have a real vacation in 3 weeks..

Blah. That's the scoop. It's almost 8pm, and I may be going to bed in a few minutes. Not to mention that I dozed on and off all day today while we were in the car. I've even avoided caffeine to make sure I sleep soundly tonight.

That's my story.

FALL (pt 2)

I know I already gushed about fall.. but really, it's so beautiful out. I was post call yesterday so pick up Patrick and we went for a drive to some of the smaller towns around here, and enjoyed the changing colors. The weather was just wonderful. Able to just sit outside on benches, watching people, enjoying the cloudless skies. Then today, we met a few other residents for brekky, and then went hiking, and then went for ice-cream. It's not anything like "Grey's Anatomy." Don't let them fool you, our lives are MUCH MORE BORING than on the TV show. We talk more about sleep than we do about sex. We enjoy getting a free minute and getting outdoors. Don't get me wrong, we're happy to hang out in the pub too. Anyway, I do miss Colorado.. Something about seeing the Aspens change...

ICU is not too bad. Feel like there is so much to learn, and I'm not good at making time right now to sit down and read. For example, I really haven't been home since Friday night. Here I am, home, and am exhausted. Feel like there are a ton of things to do: email, phone calls, laundry, clean, READ READ READ. I've had a movie at my apartment from BLockbuster for a MONTH NOW and haven't read it. The stack of magazines are outdated as well. Blah blah blah....

I guess that's about it really. Thinking of all the things I want to get done, I all of a sudden feel motivated to get off the computer and get some work done.

Cheers. B

ICU & JP

ICU:
I had my first overnight call in the ICU last night. Similar to my first call in the CCU last year, there was no break, up for 30 hours. Although, it wasn't really that bad, and the only thing I didn't like was being so freaking tired.. I dare even say it was nice to be able to think for myself a bit, and then be able to page my senior resident when I needed help. I'm working with a resident in my med-peds class, and we're committed to having some fun at work. Yes, it is possible to have fun in the ICU.

JP:
Ready for some fucking depressing news? We have a diagnosis. It took 5 months for this horrible disease process to wreak enough damage in her brain to show some changes on MRI, and now the disease entity has a name, JP has a diagnosis to explain what's been going on. A disease which carries a fatal prognosis-in 2-5 years. And NO QUALITY OF LIFE til then. Dear god help this mom who will lose one child tomorrow and another one in the near future.

-B

FALL

Last night was the real first fall night. Driving back from looking at the changing colors, the air was crisp. It got dark early. There was just that fall feeling in the air. A day spent buying warm clothes at the factory outlets. Having soup for dinner. Seeing the pumpkins out for sale. It all screams fall. I think everybody should do a little happy fall dance, crunch some leaves, buy a pumpkin.

Out of the PICU now. JP ended up in the PICU a few nights before I left. Not good. Diagnosis, which seemed so close, is now elusive, again. I dunno. I just don't know.

Am starting in the adult ICU. Another month of every 4th night overnight call. I'm looking forward to the month cause I am hoping to really learn a lot, and it'll be nice to have this month over in the sense that I think it will help me be better at managing certain problems when I am back on medicine wards in December.

I am definitely looking forward to November 4th, when it's off to Ireland... Going to be great to be back and see people. It's forced vacation. No touristy stuff, just hanging out, reading for pleasure, evenings in the pub catching up. The pleasure of walking places, and not being in a car..

Ok, going to do something totally unheard of, and be in BED by 10 PM!
Cheers,
B