This has been dormant for far too long. Time has elapsed.
Was my last post really almost 4 years ago?? What happened to the motivation in the past 4 years to write.. (well, rather write here.. god knows I've written a plethora of papers for school).
What have I done in the past 4 years.. Worked and burnt out. Coming close to completion of an MPH degree.. Trying to reconcile who I was 4 year ago, who I am now, what I thought I was going to be doing, what I am doing, what I want to be doing...
What the fuck has happened in the past 4 years since my last post. IMAT. HAITI. KENYA. GODOCS. Kaiser. Boyfriends. Family. Friends. TMJ. Panama. Ireland. LA. Chicago. Aging Family. Losing contact with friends. Building new friendships. Teaching residents. Appreciating my Baystate Mentors. Watching friends having Babies. Watching my nieces and nephews and godchildren grow. Watching my hair go grey, and more sparse (dammit).
"It's not a race, kid"… the wise advice of "dad" aka Mark one of the old curmudgeons who advocates the tortoise approach to life, not the hare. I resisted his advice years ago, but his sage advice sufficed to get him to the top of Everest and numerous other challenges in life… I was not a tortoise then.. I wanted to be a hare.. back then I wanted it "now." And that got derailed…
Recently I've taken to listening to an era song that brings me back to driving home when I lived in South Africa. That song was Mrs Potter's Lullaby. The other night when I was in the ICU spending 2 hours trying to resuscitate a dying patient, I couldn't help but have flashbacks to my Bara ICU calls… the hours spent trying, in vain, to keep somebody alive… knowing that the outcome was bound to be futile, but knowing the heartbreak that goes along with loss… hoping, against what my entire medical knowledge has taught me, that medicine cannot repair the irreparable, that there is a time when death is inevitable…
And then, hanging out tonight, I hear another era song that brings be back years...
Specifically, that sounds brings me back to 2009. Back to the days after I arrived back to my Massachusetts home.
That song is Just Breathe by Pearl Jam..
Yes I understand that every life must end, aw huh,..
As we sit alone, I know someday we must go, aw huh,..
I'm a lucky man to count on both hands
The ones I love,..Some folks just have one,
Others they got none, aw huh,..Stay with me,..
Let's just breathe.Practiced are my sins,
Never gonna let me win, aw huh,..
Under everything, just another human being, aw huh,..
Yeah, I don't wanna hurt, there's so much in this world
To make me bleed.Stay with me,..
You're all I see.Did I say that I need you?
Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn't now I'm a fool you see,..
No one knows this more than me.
As I come clean.I wonder everyday
As I look upon your face, aw huh,..
Everything you gave
And nothing you would take, aw huh,..
Nothing you would take,..
Everything you gave.Did I say that I need you?
Oh, Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn't now I'm a fool you see,..
No one knows this more than me.
I come clean.Nothing you would take,..
Everything you gave.
Hold me till I die,..
Meet you on the other side.
This song brings me back to July 2009, taking a long walk in the mist of great loss and uncertainty about the future...
And then hearing this song again today, making me irritable that 12/20/2014 passed without mention of that loss and the lack of honor of remembrance.. such disrespect to a great person--of which I am guilty as well.
But, this time, thinking as I sing along, I reflect on how that void has been filled; when I wasn't sure it could ever be, and further reflection on the great importance of my friendships and my family. This is not lost on me...
I'm lucky, as the song says, to count on both hands…
I look forward to 2015.
I look forward to reconnecting with those goals I had long ago; those goals which the wise curmudgeon tortoise told me it would take time to reach. I look forward to completing my MPH and dismissing the time commitment that "school" has taken from basking in the company of the amazing friends that I have; friends who span almost every continent at this point. I look forward to watching my nieces, nephews, and godchildren grow more this year. I look forward to another year with TMJ.
2015. Can't Wait.
Peace.
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