Losing Clarity

In the periods last year when I didn't keep a blog, I kept a travel journal. The writing is vastly different from what made it on the pages of the blog. The writing is more focused more like making notes to document what I was thinking at that time.

 

While sipping some Johnnie Walker, I decided to flip open the travel journal, and pinpoint where I was a year ago. Where was I in my thinking about where my life was headed. And where in Nepal was I?

 

I was in Bardia National Park. I had spend the day on a rafting trip. It had been cold. We didn't see much in the way of animals. I would be leaving early the next morning for Lumbini, the home of Buddha. I sat outside my room in the cool evening, writing a few pages as night settled in, finally writing by candle as I waited for the generator to come on.

 

I wrote some poignant things. About my future as I saw it then. After days of trekking, being stranded on a bus strike, and floating down a river for a day, I'd had enough time to reflect on what it is that was driving me. I'd felt this incredible enthusiasm for work, for medicine. And I wrote my plan for July 2010. I wouldn't be working in the US. There were some possibilities. NGO jobs. Baylor Pediatric AIDS corps. Locums and MSF. It's a decision that was made with complete clarity.

 

I've set January 1 as my arbitrary date to make a decision as to what I will be doing on July 2010. The plan that I had made a year ago got lost in the confusing period after Randall died. This past week I've discussed the job situation with many close friends (ie, my advisors), and I've narrowed it down to 2 possibilities. I have come up with a new plan, maybe plan z by this point. And I'd finally become comfortable with that plan. But reading back to what I wrote exactly a year ago from today, and made me lose, once again, that clarity. Argh.

 

I read on in the journal. It's the day before Randall's birthday. And I knew that I had some clarity at that time about things.

 

I can't help reading about where I was a year ago, when I seemed to have had answers; answers which are now gone.

 

The decision I am making in January 1 isn't going to be ideal, in many ways. I'll be making a decision to give me a path to follow for the short term, while I wait for some clarity...

 

 

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I'm not just picking a job

I'm not just picking a job. I'm defining myself-to some degree. I can't recall the last time I agonized so much about a single decision. Choosing residency was easier than this. The decisions for university and medical school didn't have much competition.

 

May 28th, 2008 I took a hike. It was a Wednesday. I had been on night float the night before. Had gotten off of work. Been to the dentist. I must have taken a nap at some time. And it was a gorgeous day, so I made a break for a trail. Just a chance to get out and get some fresh air, and maybe a fresh perspective. I stopped into a bagel shop, grabbed a bagel sandwich, popped into a liquor store and grabbed a cold beer, and hit the trail. I ended up sitting down on a rock in the middle of a small river, and watch as the water crashed over a waterfall hitting a pool below. And I just sat, enjoying the solitude contemplating.

Contemplating bigger issues.

 

Why did I go into medicine.

What did I want to do.

 

I made a list of the things I wanted to do:

-work with MSF

-work on Everest Base Camp for a season

-work in a rural hospital

-work in an inner city hospital

-complete a tropical medicine course

-volunteer with UNICEF

-have a faculty appointment somewhere

-work in Alaska over the summer

 

And there are a lot of things that aren't on that list, that have crept into my thoughts since then. I'm trying to juggle income, finding the job which will allow me to take care of kids and adults, the patient population I want to take care of, the ability to have time off to get back to Southern Africa/Central America/South America.

 

[Courtesy of White Snake]:

 

Here I Go Again
I don't know where I'm going
But, I sure know where I've been
Hanging on the promises
In songs of yesterday
An' I've made up my mind
I ain't wasting no more time
But, here I go again
Here I go again
Tho' I keep searching for an answer
I never seem to find what I'm looking for
Oh Lord, I pray
You give me strength to carry on
Cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams
An' here I go again on my own
Goin' down the only road I've ever known
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
An' I've made up my mind
I ain't wasting no more time
I'm just another heart in need of rescue
Waiting on love's sweet charity
An' I'm gonna hold on
For the rest of my days
Cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams
An' here I go again on my own
Going down the only road I've ever known
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
An' I've made up my mind
I ain't wasting no more time
But here I go again
Here I go again
Here I go again
Here I go again
Cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams
An' here I go again on my own
Going down the only road I've ever known
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
An' I've made up my mind
I ain't wasting no more time
An' here I go again on my own
Going down the only road I've ever known
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
Cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams

 

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