PJ

I suspect a majority of the pedi residents will know about PJ in the coming days. That's not a good thing. He will be added to the list of kids with cancer. Kids, who we residents know well, who we happily take care of, who we protect when we see them in the ED. He will be in and out of the hospital. He will be the kid that when he dies, we'll stop and recall when we first met him. And for me, that was last night when he was in the ED. Giving his parents the CT report, and trying to maintain some optimism about not having a final diagnosis was difficult-it's obviously going to be a horrible cancer. I can't even fathom how a parent would be able to deal with this news.

It's been a bit brutal the past few nights. We've seen sick kids. Not much in the way of snotty noses and coughs. Admitted a kid to the Pedi ICU last night with a bad pneumonia, and admitted a kid with meningitis recently as well.

Overall, aside from finishing work at 1-2am, (which means not getting to bed til 3 or so, and not getting up til 10 or so) it's a great month. It's nice to have that immediate gratification of making kids feel better, or giving guidance to parents about their sick kids, and sending them home (even if I have to pay for the taxi myself-like last night).

I'm suppose to be at my second site in 6 hours, so should probably hit the sack...

"Doctor, promise me one thing,

"Doctor, promise me one thing, don't drink alcohol out of a plastic bottle."

This is a quote that I heard tonight from:
A) a patient in clinic
B) a random stranger at the bar
C) my attending in clinic
D) the voices in my head


Yes, C!

Dr G is my hero. She was my first attending physician on July 1 2005 when I stepped foot on the pedi ward, and was convinced that the only thing I knew was my name. And tonight she was my attending in the moonlighting-pedi clinic. I can't even describe her to you. Long gray hair in a pony tail. She has the respect and love of all the residents. She is the definition of liberal, but married to a guy who owns a gun store. And, she drinks her Jameson neat. That's where this all began. After the miserable experience last week, we decided that there would be post-clinic liver rounds tonight to help detoxify the mood after clinic, and we tried to convince Dr G to join us.

"What do young doctors like you drink these days, beer or hard stuff?"

"Beer, tonight. Maybe whiskey at home."

"Well Doctor, promise me one thing..."

No Water

Just for fun, check this out. No Water at Bara.

 

It reminds me of then I was at Mosvold Hospital, and occasionally the hospital, and all the staff who lived on the hospital grounds, wouldn't have running water. We had water stored in the apartment so at least we would have drinking water. In fact, I recall scrubbing for surgery with one of the OR tech pouring running water from a bucket over my hands as I washed...

Feeling Fall

Leaves are changing.

Albeit slowly.

Air is crisp today.

Sweatshirts are back out.

The evening is spectacular.

 

I'm taking a study break, and happened to come across these two clips, which make me very happy.

1- Coffee's Holy Grail

2- To Burundi and Beyond

 

Am off tonight. It was nice and mellow last night at work, to make up for the somewhat crazy Monday night. Checked up on the kids I admitted on Monday, and they were doing well, should have been discharged today.

 

Back to the books.

B

I Wanted Ice Cream

And she wanted to pee.

I ran up from the Pedi ER to the pedi floor to help Amy (the night resident) do a LP (spinal tap) on a kiddo that I had taken care of in the ED. I felt a little guilty cause I didn't tap the kid in the ER, and then the admitting attending (who has the luxury of hearing the story from home, not seeing the kid) wanted a tap done (even though this kid has been on antibiotics for 14 days), which defaulted to Amy. She was going to need some holding help. And, I was starving, and the pedi floor has those cute small ice-cream-in-a-small-styrofoam-cup with wooden spoon that make you feel like a kid again, so I offered to run up and help her. I grabbed an ice-cream, and she realized that in the time it would take me to eat that small container, she could zip to the bathroom. It's going to be a long night for her!

Tonight was a good warm up to the upcoming Pedi ER Winter Season. We admitted at least 7 kids this evening. Sick kids too..

Say a little Prayer

M is a 12 year old whom I took care of tonight. He dislocated his pinky, at the proximal interphalangeal joint. (The joint closest to the knuckle). He was a tough kid, but even with with a digital block (numbing the finger) reducing the dislocation was proving difficult. I tried twice, the attending tried twice, and we were about to place a call to the orthopedic team to have them do it. We pleaded for one more attempt, and that's when M turned his back to us and said a very soft prayer, and viola-it went back in place.

I sutured another kid, those skills are coming back, albeit slowly. I haven't sutured since I was in South Africa back in 2003, but this is the second time I've sutured in the pedi ED. It's like riding a bike.

That's my Joya for today. Praying put joints back in place, and suturing kids.

Way past time for bed.

B

Joya Del Dia

Translation: Jewel of the Day.

Joya is a happy coffee. I don't really know how else to describe it. It's snappy. It jumps in your mouth. It is nice and simple. Simplicity has been woefully deficient in my life recently. Well, for probably a bit longer than "recently."

It was nice to be away and to have time to do nothing but study and relax. No TV. No Internet. No old journals/newspapers begging to be read. It was a jewel really. A retreat. A chance to just escape from life and take time out to get some much needed studying done for Step 3 (USMLE) and a chance to review for CCU (October).

I had the Ubora blend (at Starbucks) on Wednesday, and thought it was delicious. On Friday, I ran out of coffee and picked up the Joya blend by accident. I'm a bold guy-not a big fan of medium blends. But as I settled down Friday night with a new pot of Joya and a practice test in surgery, overlooking the East River, in a contemplative mood, free from distractions, I was pleasantly surprised when I sipped the Joya. It was simple. There was nothing to analyze-no hidden agenda.

And that was when I realized that I dearly miss simplicity (maybe that's what I like best about pediatrics). Don't get me wrong, I like the complexity of a nice cup of Yemen, but in my personal life right now, I'm moving toward "Joya." Correction-I can hear people already protesting that I don't know how to simplify life. I should learn how to move to Joya.

Walking back to Starbucks today, I felt relaxed for the first time in a while. I had a productive jam session of studying, while being removed from the world (yet, in the center of the world at the same time), and felt that I had shed some accumulated layers of aggression and frustration that had built up recently.

This afternoon, I hit the wall (to borrow a running term) while studying... so, I went for a nice long walk in the city. I just walked aimlessly... Watching people mostly.

While I learned and reviewed a plethora of medical knowledge, I also learned that there should be a little "Joya" in every day.

$4315.05, Hiding Out, Compromise

$4315.05:
That's my bill from the ER. For my rabies immunoglobulin and vaccine. Outrageous, isn't it. But really, given that rabies is universally fatal, I guess it is worth it. And thank god for the $50 co-pay only!

Hiding Out:
Finally, my pager is off. I have NO clinical responsibilities. I feel like I am on a mini-vacation. I'm catching the train to New York tomorrow. I think it's going to be the perfect few days away. Will have my books with me, and will enjoy some serious down time. Am looking forward to coffee breaks walking around the city, hanging out studying in busy coffee shops. I'm looking forward to some anonymity. I'm pretty tempted to go out Friday night too :)

Compromise:
In the evening moonlighting well child clinic I saw 10 kids in the span of a few hours. Not my kind of medicine. Decided that while the moonlighting money is nice (and each shift will cover half a month of rent next year in Jo'burgh), it's not the kind of medicine I want to practice, so have decided that my shift next week will be the last of the moonlighting shifts for me. Can't put a price (or roof?) on the quality of medical care I want to deliver to my patients.

So, don't plan on being back until Sunday, and then it's back to work on Sunday afternoon...

Day #12

It's finally here. This is day # 12 in a row (or day #19 if you consider the fact that I was on-call over the weekend a few weekends ago).

I'm escaping tomorrow morning. I'm going to head down to New York for the weekend and hide out in Lucia's flat while she is away-and hopefully have a very productive study session.

Not much else...

Ian and Emily

Pamper Hats!

Adorable. Ian (on the left) decided to wear his diaper in a bit of an unusual way, and then decided that his sister needed to join in his new fashion statement. I had brekky this am with a good friend from work (who is in anaesthesia) and we made french toast. Nice relaxing morning, and nice to take a break off from studying.

Pedi ED

Past two nights were pretty busy. We're seeing a fair bit of enteroviral infections, with a fair bit of dehydration. Think pedialyte people. Keep those kids hydrated. Also took care of a infant yesterday, who had intussusception. It's the third kid for me. And none of them have had any resemblance of the classical presentation. The money is in the history. Sad how each time others had passed-over what were seen as trivial parts of the history. The infant should do well.

Back tonight. Am sure that on a holiday Monday, it's going to be FUN FUN FUN, and busy busy busy.

Am seriously looking forward to my day off (starting on Thursday). Am pretty tired by now.

End of the Month

1) Double Espresso-Hold the baby: I couldn't resist. One of our last newborns of the month was born in a coffee shop. I happen to think that this is a sign of divine greatness for this child, and I resisted the urge to ask about naming the kiddo Mocha, or Latte, or Kenya, or Doppio. Happy to report that the kiddo is doing well.

2) 140: If it felt like a busy month, it was. We (my two star first year residents and I) rounded on 140 newborn babies. Of those, we only had one go to the NICU (who did great), 2 to the custody of DSS and the remaining 137 were discharged home to their parent/parents. I skimmed the list this afternoon of those 140 kids, and it's pretty amazing the number of names which I don't recall, but also there are many names which evoke visual images of proud new parents holding their precious new children.

3) Pager Off: Finally, and for another 17 hours I am off/free. Today was day #5 of a 10 day stretch.

4) Pedi ER: Tomorrow I switch to the Pedi ER. I'm actually looking forward to it. It's a 4pm-1am shift all month long. It's been almost 2 years since I was in the pedi ER, and I feel like I've learned a significant amount in those two years. I feel like this is a time to hone in on clinical acumen, as well as a great chance to brush up on some ortho and other topics. I am also approaching this as a warm-up to Bara.

5) Dropping off the grid: Heads up on the upcoming 2 months... I'm working late shift this month, and days will be spent studying for part 3 of boards (USMLE) as well as doing some review for Cardiac ICU in October. It's a bit frustrating because I already feel slightly out of touch with a bunch of people, and know I'm headed into a long 2 month stretch, where it's going to be tough to keep in touch. Did I mention that in October we do overnight call every third night?

That's about it really...

Enjoy labor day.
B

Jen & Dawn

I spoke to my cousin Jen tonight, and got to hear the great news. (They were one of the 6 couples who brought about the lawsuit for same-sex marriage in Iowa). I hate to admit that when I saw the headline on CNN I had this intense feeling of guilt because it has been a long, long time since we chatted on the phone. This photo is from June 05, (I stopped by on my way from Colorado), so it is a bit dated-but it captures what great parents they are. It was nice to catch up on family news as well. Anyway, Jen is incredibly special since she was actually the first family member I came out to, and she has been such a great support and role model. She was funny, when one of the reporters called her this evening and asked her how she was going to celebrate, she said "make dinner and get the kids to bed."

B

The Family

Finally got some pics from my trip to Chicago last weeekend (combined 90th/85th birthday party for my grandparents). It was great to see the entire family. Look at my amazing niece and nephews. Aren't they adorable? Even playing in the rain water and getting all dirty...

Home to DSS, PPI, Pregnancy Testing

1) Home to DSS: This morning we discharged 2 of our newborns "home." For them, home meant into the custody of the Department of Social Service. On many levels, this situation is less than ideal. Less than ideal because it means that these kids came into the world, and their biological creators were deemed unfit to take care of them. Deemed unfit by the pediatricians (us), who notified the state about our concerns for the welfare of these children. The state then investigated and went to court to take custody of these precious 2 and 3 day-old children. The children then end up in a foster care for the night, or for their life, or get adopted, or maybe get re-united with their parents. We gamble that going into the world of foster care means that these children will be loved, sheltered, and fed to the extent that they wouldn't have received from their bio parents. I think it is a shitty way to start life. The protective pediatrician in me almost would have preferred taking these kids home myself!

2) PPI. Or proton pump inhibitor (ie, omeprazole-Prilosec, esomeprazole-Nexium). I was chatting with a fellow resident about my upcoming month in the CCU. I start in October, and it's a bit anxiety provoking. She was kind enough to point out that she had to start taking meds for ulcers during that rotation. Comforting. Thanks.

3) Pregnancy Testing. If you walk into a clinic, and you ask for a pregnancy test, and while waiting for the results you GIVE BIRTH TO A BABY-is the test positive? I kid you not. And, this woman has had a baby before. I know there is some serious comedic potential here... What bothers me most is that there has been no prenatal care. I've thought about this for a few hours now.. no prenatal care. We've done such a good job medicalizing a normal process like pregnancy and birth that I had to stop and think this afternoon about what to do for this kid. The kid looks great. But what if mom has hepatitis B, or HIV, or untreated group B strep, or or or... Or the fact that this woman, who admitted that she "knew but didn't know" she was pregnant made no attempt to ensure that the child she was carrying was healthy. Is this woman fit to be a parent? Am I passing judgment or am I really just focusing my concerns on the welfare of this child? hmmm

Coffee Culture Withdraw

I was suppose to go hang out with my friends Jess and Amy and roast coffee this morning. We roasted a few batches about 3 weeks ago, and compared notes about a week ago. I normally have brunch with them and their adorable almost 2 year old daughter twice a month. It's usually an all day affair, with the consumption of multiple pots of coffee. Anyway, since they have a garage, and since roasting coffee makes a good amount of smoke, my coffee roaster is now up at their place...

 

I went to Amherst Coffee last night. The serve probably the best cup of coffee in the immediate area (ie, less than half an hour away). I'm pretty sure they are serving coffee from the Great Barrington Coffee Company. The ambiance was pretty good as well (though there is a wine bar which is always a bit weird to me, but I guess it's kind of chic and trendy). They have a community table, which I always love. Even better, the place had newspapers strewn all over..

 

That's what this post is about this morning. I really just want to pluck myself out of here and magically appear in a buzzing coffee shop, with lots of copies of the New York Times, and plush couches, and fun people watching. That's the ideal Sunday morning for me... I'm meeting a friend for coffee in a bit, and I think I'm going to give Blue Moon another chance. I recall their coffee may have been a little weak, but they definitely have the best ambiance. Sadly, the Starbucks around here just don't do it for me anymore..

 

Then it's home to study.

 

Bara on NPR

People have been asking about Bara (short for Chris Hani Baragwanath), the hospital that I plan on going to next July. Here is a clip of a piece that NPR did a while back. There is a photo-essay part as well. Worth checking out..

A Week of J2 & Neonatology

I'm on pedi second jeopardy. For a week, which started at 8am on Friday. So far, so good. I'd be surprised if I get jeopardized this time of year. It's quiet in pedi-land. That being said, the head neonatologist said he was going to try and jeopardize me this weekend for a transport. He was, of course, kidding. They would essentially need to have 3 transports going at the same time for the second jeopardy person to get called in. Usually the NICU team can cover a transport, and if needed, they call in the Jeopardy resident to go on a transport if the NICU is busy. Or, if there is an intern working overnight in the NICU, then a senior resident will get called in to go with the intern on the transport.

I've been in the NICU a lot this month, more or less hanging out since the transitional nursery is next to the NICU, and there is a resident call room in the NICU. I've also been hanging out in the afternoons trying to improve my neonatal IV skills. (I suspect that next year in Johannesburg I will be responsible for doing a lot more procedures than we do here).

The NICU staff have been asking when I will be back in the NICU. (It won't be until January). A few have asked if I'm considering a NICU fellowship. I guess after everything that happened in February, I have a bit of a fan club in the NICU. I have actually pondered a NICU fellowship, more than once. From an international perspective, infant mortality is a significant issue and neonatology would be a great skill to take abroad. But, the idea of adding three more years of training is not appealing. Maybe if there were a combined NICU/Pedi ICU/Adult ICU fellowship, I could be tempted to consider it...

If you hear me talk about applying for a fellowship, knock some sense in me. I can easily see myself applying for a fellowship to defer figuring out what I want to do after residency...

The right start to the day

The nice thing about this month: I get to spend the better part of my morning holding newborns.

There is something inherently calming about cradling newborns, and just watching them. I find myself often wondering what will come of them. I know my nomadic tendencies will keep me from taking care of kids for long enough periods to watch them grow up, and see who they become. (Although, my niece and nephews will give me that joy). So, I just hold them and try to imagine them growing up, and hopefully living happy, healthy lives.

More Bats

This is the most recent Bat sighted in my apartment. Granted, this one arrived from a twisted (though dearly twisted) friend, via Fed Ex.

Good thing I have my rabies shots.

Failing Teens vs Failing Systems

"You look like a smart kid, what's really going on with school." And the tough 17 year old started to cry. I felt my visit grind to a halt. I was consciously aware that this would add on an extra 10 minutes to my visit with him. And in that 10 minutes I was scheduled for another "Well Child Exam." I moonlight (sort of) in this evening clinic every now and then (or as much as possible given my future year of poverty), and we're booked 10-15 minutes for well child visits. (Thankfully with a no-show rate of 25% or so, we usually have a bit more time).. You just can't provide good care when in the middle of a jammed pack schedule you have neat teenager, with little support, who at the age of 17 thinks his future hopes are diminished cause he's been screwing up in school. No father figure. No mentor. In a school system that could care less about his future. And he sits in front of me, finally at his breaking point, finally having the courage to admit that he has this inner turmoil. Some of my colleagues wouldn't have gone there. They have the mentality of divide an conquer. And I am learning to do that more and more, that I can't really solve every problem for every person at every visit.. But most days I think that is a pathetic approach to taking care of people. To make a profit, a primary care physicians must see a ridiculous number of patients & triage complaints... They are sorely missing out on the Art of Medicine, and that is tragic. Outpatient primary care is not for me. I can't operate on a schedule mentality. Knowing that somebody needs an extra 5 or 10 minutes of my time should not jeopardize a schedule. And since when does a "schedule" have more priority than taking care of "people."

Hmmm.

Boston and Life...

A friend of mine and I made an impromptu break for Boston on Friday night. I really (no, really) needed to get out of dodge and have some drinks and be around some gay men. Well, gay men with taste. Sometimes it is just so suffocating living here. I can't believe after 5 years of hating the scene in Dublin I moved to somewhere with even less of a scene. Well, not that there is even less of a scene here, in fact there is no scene. (I have to remind myself I came here because I'm in a great residency program). We had a lovely (albeit expensive) dinner, and then plucked ourselves down in a lounge and enjoyed a night of catching up and enjoying some strong Jack and Cokes. (Jason would be proud)! I think I got home about 4am. I think of it as a night of being on call. Being awake fore 22 hours is really no big deal anymore. We made a pact to make it a point to go to Boston (or NYC) monthly. Life is too short to not take advantage of getting out of Dodge more often...

The rest of the weekend was mellow. I spent a few hours working on my application for South Africa. I loathe paperwork. Sadly, work email has been down all weekend, and one of the documents I need to fill out is trapped in my work email. Fingers crossed, I think it will probably take about 2 months for all the paperwork to be completed. Once I get registered with the Licensing Board and the Foreign Workforce Management Program, it should be mostly smooth sailing from there. And then it will feel real.

As for dates, I should be flying to Johannesburg at the end of June (2008), and will return to complete my final year of residency in June 2009, and will finally be finished with formal medical training on June 30th, 2010.

Wow, I just had to sit for a few minutes and look at that date. June 30th, 2010. Wow. It still seems so far away. Ironically, one of the nurses asked me on Wednesday if I was already an attending. I laughed out loud. "No, it just feels like I have been here forever."

Anyway...

I am really looking forward to seeing the family next weekend. We're meeting in Illinois for the grandparents 90th and 85th birthday celebration. I'm really looking forward to seeing my niece and nephews!

Alright, time to go for a bit of a run. I'm trying to run outdoors once a week...

Cheers,
B

Newborn Nursry

Newborn nursery has to be one of the most delightful months of residency. It's a happy day, every day. Well, more or less. It's nice to be in the nursery again. Now that I've had 2 year of pedi under my belt. I finally know what's normal, and what's not. I finally feel like I have a little authority/insight when talking to new parents about how to parent.

As I was examining a kiddo yesterday, it dawned on me that I was the first physician to ever examine this new human. I was the first physician to listen to his heart. I was the first physician to look in his eyes (not that you can see much at this age). The first to feel his femoral pulses. The first to make sure his hips were normal. The first to make sure his back was straight. There's a sense of responsibility that goes along with being the first physician to examine a patient. And then, when I told the mom that his exam was completely normal, I had this sense of responsibility wondering what would it mean if I had missed something on my exam... Who would catch it? (Well, likely the attending)...

I almost did battle with a nurse yesterday. I find L&D nurses can be extremely judgemental-passing judgements left and right about parents and their capabilities to raise children. It's pretty gross really. I almost feel like unless the parents are middle-upper class, English speaking caucasians who kiss ass to the fucking nurses, the nurses tend to have less than favourable opinions about the parents. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a (total) saint, I don't believe that just because you have a pulse means that you will be a decent parent, but I'm all for giving the benefit of the doubt. It's my job as a pediatrician to help these new parents (and all parents) be as successful as possible in raising happy, healthy children. Being a good parent has nothing to do with money, or with the ability to speak the national language. I looked at this nurse, and thought of how my brothers and I were raised, and I think we turned out ok. (Certain sister-in-laws may feel different). I was embarrassed for this nurse. She doesn't have a fucking clue. And she doesn't deserve to be in the L&D ward.

B

Rabies Shots...

HURT! All 6 of them. I have new found sympathy for the kiddos when I order up the 3 or 4 shots at a time. I started the Rabies vaccine series (4 more shots to go) and also go the immunoglobulin today, and that was what made it 6 lovely shots. I referred to it as the mackerena of immunizations.. Shoulder, shoulder, butt, butt, thigh, thigh, oomph!

Fucking Bats.

More Bats

Bat #2 just made a guest appearance. I'm annoyed. And now am DAMN WIDE AWAKE. How am I suppose to save lives tomorrow given the lack of sleep? Oh wait, it's adolescent clinic... don't need much sleep for that..

The answering service didn't consider "bats" to be an emergency... It will be an emergency when I go ballistic if I get a third visitor tonight. I called MS, who suggested that they may be coming from the vent in the bathroom.. which doesn't work, and never has, and may be providing a nice one way ticket into MY DAMN APARTMENT. Retrospectively, the noise from the ceiling, which I always assumed was from a squirrel, may have been, in fact, FROM BATS. Holy Bat Shit! (is that guano?).

So, what does the CDC say about bats??

Q: How can I tell if a bat has rabies?
A: Rabies can be confirmed only in a laboratory. However, any bat that is active by day, is found in a place where bats are not usually seen (for example, in a room in your home or on the lawn), or is unable to fly, is far more likely than others to be rabid. Such bats are often the most easily approached. Therefore, it is best never to handle any bat.

Q: What should I do if I come in contact with a bat?
A: If you are bitten by a bat -- or if infectious material (such as saliva) from a bat gets into your eyes, nose, mouth, or a wound -- wash the affected area thoroughly and get medical advice immediately. Whenever possible, the bat should be captured and sent to a laboratory for rabies testing (see: How can I safely capture a bat in my home?).
People usually know when they have been bitten by a bat. However, because bats have small teeth which may leave marks that are not easily seen, there are situations in which you should seek medical advice even in the absence of an obvious bite wound. For example, if you awaken and find a bat in your room, see a bat in the room of an unattended child, or see a bat near a mentally impaired or intoxicated person (NOT ME TONIGHT), seek medical advice and have the bat tested.

Bat #2 is currently flying in the hallway of the apartments (ie, not my fucking problem right now).. thank god other tenants are leaving for work before me tomorrow..

Argh,
B

Bats

I came home, and there was a bat flying in my room. From where, I cannot tell. It freaks me out. I may sleep in the living room. Where the hell did it come from?

Stacking Stones: A Year Off... Going to South Africa

I've read my post from April 14th, numerous times... There was nostalgia. And then I remembered thinking one day how I wanted to return to Bara to learn at some point as a resident. I had been debating if I would go to South Africa or Peru for my away elective in my 4th year.. And then I began to entertain the notion of going to Baragwanath, but not for a month.. what about going for a year. Yes, what about taking a year off of my residency to go train at Bara for a year... and I got excited... and ran the crazy idea by a few friends, who didn't think it was so crazy...

Here's the deal:
I was offered a 6 month pediatric training post, and a 6 month medicine training post. My program director supported my idea. And today, the chair of academic affairs granted approval for a year leave of absence from my residency program.

I'm going back to Johannesburg, for a year, to train in the most amazing hospital. I am lucky.

I took the stones and re-stacked them, and to my amazement, they didn't fall this time.

Wow.
Brian

EBM is bullshit...

I have to present a patient at pedi morning report on Wednesday am. It has to be an adolescent topic. This is what kills me... I wanted to talk on some relevant topic. Something, oh say, big picture. Something that applied to many adolescents. I wanted to do some teaching about choosing appropriate contraceptive methods, (and review Plan B). Some simple spoon feeding. There are a lot of choices.. pills, patches, injections, rings, all with pros and cons, some with contraindications... My preceptor wanted it focused, and, and wanted something that was topical in the current literature, ie, bullshit "Evidence-Based Medicine" (EBM).

EBM should be renamed boring mental masturbation. What the fuck is the purpose of looking up minutia bullshit when people don't even understand the damn basics. I asked around earlier this month, and realized that we residents (both internal medicine and pediatric residents), had a weak grasp of the basics on contraception. And some spoon feeding (oh sure, I would have done it in a case-based format so it was applicable and interesting), would have really helped to increase knowledge. But instead, I have to talk about some fucking random question that most of us won't have to deal with when we talk about contraceptive methods, and to top it off, there is no official consensus on the question that I am presenting on Wednesday morning.

Mental Masturbation without a climax. Isn't that worth it?!

I'm calling it BEBM from now on... Yep, you guessed it. Bullshit Evidence Based Medicine.

The more I train in the US system, the more I am beginning to think that I'm not being prepared to really take care of patients. I'm being trained to look shit up constantly and to fill out fucking forms.

Back to BEBM.

Brian

HtoTD

How to of The Day:

How to stop being a people pleaser.

Just for fun.
B

View of the East River & Stacking Stones II

On the 33rd floor of a friends flat here in Manhattan looking out over the East River. Walking the city today. Walking through the West Village and Chelsea. People everywhere. Street festivals. dIvErSitY. People of all colors. Admiring the men in the city. The view is addictive. Watching barges, boats go up the river. Looking out to Brooklyn.

Tomorrow at this time, back home. But it's temporary. Finally, I'm coming to terms with the decision I made before residency. I decided to choose the best med-peds program for me, knowing I wouldn't like where I lived. I tried to like the place. I explored the mountains. I looked for good coffee shops. I looked for a solid base of friends. I looked for love. I looked for a group of gay friends. I looked, I looked, I looked. And didn't find these things. I am sitting here in my friends flat, which has a couch, a table, some chairs. It is one bedroom. It is simple. I fell into the trap of accumulating a ton of shit in my apartment, and in truth, what I needed was a simple space.

I am stacking stones (see July 4th entry). I am going to keep stacking stones; I am stubborn and will persevere. But stupidly, I couldn't use my imagination when re-stacking stones. I kept placing them in the same order, looking for the same things, and watching it all crumble. I've started the re-stacking. I think I finally have some peace about my decision about where I live, and quite honestly, I'm done complaining about it.

I have gotten past this unhappy hurdle which kept tripping me up.

Now, I am going to read here in my friends flat, and watch the view.

Cheers,
Brian

1) Shattering ones own confidence 2) Reading

I had been feeling pretty confident lately. In fact, recently I've had a few conversations on how a few of us in our program have hit that stage where we begin to feel like we do, in fact, know a few thingsThat's the tough part about acquiring knowledge, especially medical knowledge. It's impossible to explain what you know. Sure, you can recall some stuff off the top of your head. But in a larger sense, a large part is the application of knowledge. We residents tend to spend a fair amount of time looking things up. And not just looking up, but also printing up stuff to read "later." Like later when I'm bedridden in a nursing home, because that's likely about to be the next time I have leisure time to read.

Tonight, I have decided to throw away all the stuff I haven't read in the last 2 years. (It's a fucking shame there is no recycling in my area. I'm killing trees here)! It's haunting to see the vastness of knowledge I am throwing away. I feel like, OH MY GOD, I DON'T KNOW JACK SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS STUFF I HAVE NEVER READ, I AM DOOOOOOMED! (The corrolary to this is: OH MY GOD, I DON'T KNOW JACK SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS STUFF I HAVE NEVER READ, MY PATIENTS ARE DOOOOOOMED!)!

Sometimes I want to gag when I hear the term "Lifelong-learning." I thought I was signing up to learn the bulk of stuff during residency and then do some little learning here and there, preferable at medical conferences in nice hotels, surrounded by ski slopes or warm sandy beaches.. but the closer I get to the end of my residency, the more I realize that residency is preparing me to 1) Not kill people 2) be able to treat the bulk of patients, and treat to a minimal-moderate standard 3) know when to call in backup.

As for reading... between the 4-6 journals a month that I feel compelled to try and read, plus the shit I print regularly, plus the books/study guides for that months rotation, plus the few pedi books that we recommend to parents, plus the stack of books that have nothing to do with medicine, but are a nice escape, I need about 5 more hours in a day to read. Remember when you read a book and had to do a book report in junior high. You wanted to mention some small specific details from the middle of the book so that the teacher knew that you actually read the book. That's how I use to feel about journal articles.. now I read the beginning and the ends.. the boring shit is in the middle... who cares what the delta co-efficient raised to the sputum power of the random blah blah blah... I need to now the level of detail so that I 1) Don't prescribe a drug that will kill somebody 2) can stay current on treatment guidelines so that I can give the best care possible to patients, and 3) what what drugs the back-up docs are using so that when the patient comes back to me from the specialist, I don't look like a fool.

No wonder I almost need bifocals.

Cheers,
I'm off to read.

Brian

Mentorship

Starting this month, I'm spending one half day a week in a separate pediatric practice. I have chosen to spend these half days with a local pediatrician who has become my mentor. Dr. N is not only a great pediatrician, but he has lots of experience abroad and understands my interest in international health. He actually works with a group which has done overseas medical relief work. So, today I went to their private practice office, and spent a half day with him. It was quite a shock to see what and efficient outpatient practice looks like. It was even better to spend half the day with the pediatrician whom I idolized the most. Ironically, there are two other pediatricians in the private practice group who like Dr. N. and myself, along with a few others, all are in charge of overseeing the International health and global medicine track at our hospital. (This is the track that I wrote a proposal for a year ago, which is being implemented this year).

The rest of the day was rather bland.
Maybe I need some Yemen.

Blah,
Brian

Normalcy

The past few days I have actually been done with work by 4pm. It's almost a sense of normalcy. It just feels weird to actually come home from clinic, grab a bite to eat, putz around the flat for a bit, and then either go to read at the library or Barnes and Noble, and then pop into the gym. Sadly, this is going to most likely be the only real month of normalcy this month. I doubt I'll have this much down time in clinic again..

Still doing adolescent medicine this month. It's picking up a bit. Still miss the buzz of the hospital.

B

Spicing Things Up

Bland was the flavor of the day. In fact, bland was the flavor of the past few days. This month is already dragging. I'm outpatient, again, this month. And am really realizing that I need to buzz buzz buzz of the hospital to keep me interested.

I ditched the co-workers last night, was feeling anti-social (really just tired of ending up with co-workers always talking medicine) and needed to just get out and have a laugh and enjoy the craic. So, Kian (my pal who is a manager at Starbucks and a coffee whiz) and I went for sushi, and then ice-cream. I know what you're thinking.. and when we went for ice-cream, they had Jalapeno Ice Cream. Seriously, I know it sounds yucky gross. And I kind of figured it would be, but what the hell, like there is anything else interesting going on in my bland life... So I tried it. And not only did I try it, i LIKED it enough, that I got some to eat :) I literally tried to spice up my evening. And the craic was good, we hung out having coffee people watching and laughing the whole time.

Ya gotta get you some of that Jalapeno Ice Cream!!

Spicely,
B

Stacking Stones

From Free Will Astrology:

[Aquarius Horoscope for week of July 5, 2007

Nature artist Andy Goldsworthy is a skilled rock balancer. With infinite patience, he arranges stacks of them in seemingly impossible arrangements. Though he has a highly developed sensitivity to the heft and shape of his raw materials, his work still requires him to persist through frustration. While building one particularly intricate structure, he said, "The moment it collapses is disappointing. But since it has collapsed four times I'm beginning to understand the stones better." From what I can determine, Aquarius, you're at a stage in your own labor of love that's equivalent to Goldsworthy's third collapse. Keep at it. ]

Hmmm... Kind of scary how horoscopes just kind of make sense once and a while. Guess it's time to pick up the stones and start re-stacking..

4th here was wet and soggy, a day which would have been better had I stayed in PJs, drinking tea and reading a good book.

Start of 3rd Year

Amazingly, I'm starting my third year. I looked back on the post from last year at this time, and after speaking with some of the new second years today, realized that the transition from second to third year is less exciting that the transition from intern to second year resident. That may be a good thing, though. Unlike last year, when I had to suddenly be a responsible intern on July 1, this year I was off.

I had a fabulous (a word that is not used often enough) weekend. Friday night I went to New York City. I regret to say that it is, in fact, only my SECOND trip down there in the time I have been here. I think that is un-fabulous. A dear friend of mine is starting a family practice residency in the city, so I went to visit her. We had a great time catching up, had a lovely dinner outside on the patio of some swank-ish restaurant, and chatted forever about future dreams and plans. I think NYC is really one of the forbidden fruits. Denver is the other. I found myself feeling slightly regretful at where I am living at the moment. FACT: I love the hospital I work in. I think it is an AMAZING hospital (maybe I'll make a separate post about that later), I have great co-residents, lots of wonderful attendings, and think I am becoming a good doctor (as slow and painful as the process seems, at times). FACT: I am not meant to live here. NYC is forbidden fruit because, people there run in the city. People are everywhere. There is a buzz to the city. There is social awareness. What's really important right now? My training. But it's kind of tough when life can feel so painfully boring here.

The rest of the weekend was spent getting caught up on organizing my life. Sat night had a somewhat impromptu going away party for our former med-peds chief. Sunday Patrick and I went for a lovely hike. He's starting a blog, and I've threatened to put a link to his blog here.

That's about it really. I'm doing adolescent medicine this month... kind of a lighter month.

Cheers,
Brian

On a lighter note...

Makes ya laugh out loud, right?

B

Working Abroad...

Last week I found myself on the defensive. I was kind of caught off guard. How, I was asked, can I justify wanting to work outside of the US when there are people in America who lack healthcare. To me, this isn't an "either-or" situation, but a both. I was pretty annoyed at the time. And today, I read this passage from the book "Not On Our Watch: The Mission to end Genocide in Darfur and Beyond." It's graphic, and very disturbing.

". . .we met a woman, Amina, cooking on the ground. She had fled her village during an attack. Her husband had been shot as soon as he left their hut. She had two of her children on her back and the other two in her arms as about twenty Janjaweed chased her on camels. First they ripped her five-year-old, Adom [sic], from her, and when she stopped running and begged for her child, they told her they would shoot her. So she continued running away from her village that was up in flames. The Janjaweed then tossed Adom into the fire. He was screaming and calling her name, but she just kept running. Despite her speed, her seven-year-old, Asam Mohamed, was then taken and shot, once in his side and once in his back. She was never able to bury her children."

I wish I could have had that passage on hand when I needed to defend my desires to work in these environments. We have healthcare, and basic rights in this country. There are people who have neither. Tell me they don't need some help from us...

Argh!
Brian

Doing "Research"

I'm going to play hooky today. Technically I have a "research day." So I'm going to run to clinic, drop off the project I've been working on-making reference binders, and then am going to go to Pediatric Grand Rounds, and then I'm calling it quits for the day. Well, I mean I am going to do "research." I'm going to research what's been going on with a friend, while we have ice-cream this afternoon. I'm also going to research which coffee shop has the best java-this is actually on-going research, I know which ones I like best thus far...

By the way, this is my horoscope today:
Is your career growing the way you want it to grow? Or is it taking away from the rest of your life? It's time to re-examine your priorities. If your career has been taking too much of your attention, then today you need to schedule a day off or take a long lunch. If you haven't been giving it enough attention, then today you should investigate new ways to jazz up your office routine. You won't be able to change everything, so focus on the things that you can change.

Off to do some research

Random Dream #1

I wish I could take a year off to travel the world. Part of this desire is biased in light of having just read "Three Weeks with my Brother," where Nicholas Sparks and his brother spend 3 weeks on a package tour around the world seeing the great sites. Sure, obviously I wish I could spend 3 weeks traveling with my brothers. But in my fantasy of a year off, I would spend that year traveling from friend/family-to-friend/family.

Somehow I have managed to amass this beautiful collection of friends, and somehow they have become scattered all over the world. 5 continents. Too many states to count. I wish I could leave tomorrow, drive up to Burlington, Vermont and start there. No specific plan, just a goal to move from there and work my way across the US & Canada, end up in Hawaii/Alaska, and then board a plane and go from there. Maybe spend a few days with some people, weeks with others.

I've hit that point in residency where my day-to-day existence passes by, and I know that I'm moving, but it happens so fast that it actually seems slow, and seems like nothing changes. Every day poses new things to learn and new challenges, but the overall day-to-day is the same. And I don't even know where I'm going in the long run. I'm tired of guessing where I'll end up in 2 years--those plans change regularly. And then I catch myself wishing that I could just meet up with old friends, drink coffee in Denver, or grab a pint in Dublin, and discuss dreams for the future.

Holy shit, that future is rapidly approaching, and it's going to be time to make a decision about what I want to do when I grow up. And that's when I wish I could escape from my life for a year, re-connect with the people whom I have known since those days when the "future" was so far off in the distance, that it seemed like it would never get here.

"Not all those who wander are lost." -JRR Tolkien

I may wander for a while...

Cheers,
Brian

Back Home

Falling off the grid meant a quick, under-the-radar trip to Colorado. Spent a somewhat-lavish-but-modest weekend in Aspen with a great friend, then hung out with the family for a few days. I'm telling you, being in Maroon Bells, the only thing that kept coming to mind was how I was ever able to leave such a great place...

It's kind of good to be back now. I've got a few projects to get cracking on...

Cheers,

Brian

You know you're a resident when...

...when being awake for 24 hours doesn't seem like a big deal. The other morning I got up at 9am, knowing that I wouldn't nap before working the overnight shift, and that it would be well past 9am the next day when I went to bed, and the thought of being up 24 hours seemed REASONABLE? Is that normal? 30 hours make me cringe a bit, but 24 hours...

I have finished my long 6 week stretch. I'm a bit shattered, I must confess. I enjoyed the work, and would have to say that I am definitely leaning toward a hospitalist position down the road. Looking back, the hours were long, but the hospitalists at our hospital work 40 hours a week. Residents hit 80/week. Hospitalists make more than triple what we make. I think I'd maybe prefer a week on, and then a week off. Ideal would be a week of adult hospitalist, a week of pedi hospitalist, and then a week of walk-in/urgent/inner-city clinic, followed by a week off...

My brain isn't functioning, my sleep cycle is out of whack (it's almost 1:30 and I'm wide awake), and I have let a ton of things slide in the past month. I'm going to "drop off the grid" for a bit to relax. Am looking forward to getting out of dodge for some serious R&R.

Cheers,
Brian

Best for Last

I saved the best for last today. At my 86th hour of work this week, I walked into Ms Js room, flopped down in a chair by her bed, and just listened...

I expected to coast through today. But then I had a ridiculous number of admission overnight, and realized that my plan for finishing work by noon, or even two was fucked, and I was pissed. Couldn't even fake a smile, so I saw intoxicated and demented patients first. They wouldn't know I was in a foul mood, or, at the very least, wouldn't remember.

A few hours later I peeked in on Ms J. "I'll be by in a few hours, just wanted to make sure you were doing ok." I had already looked at her labs, talked to the night nurse when I got to work and knew that she was doing well, but I knew she would expect to see me in the morning. I hoped I had been able to pull off a half-decent fake smile for her...

I went about the day. And then settled myself in Ms. Js room. For a hour I just listened. This woman is amazing. Hearing her stories, listening to her talk about raising her children; I sit there and look at her and get caught up in her life. I believe her. She isn't going to die. But then I am snapped back to reality, and I know that best case is she makes it til Thanksgiving-Christmas would be a miracle. Does she really know that. Just when I think she doesn't she says something like, "when I'm gone.." or how easily and comfortable she uses the C work. I am drawn to this woman and her family, and I don't know entirely why. Or maybe I do...

It has been a long week. I think it has been rewarding. I think I have probably learned a fair bit. But I am spiteful of the long hours I have had to work. Tomorrow is my day off. And then I work 8 days in a row... what the hell?

Grumpy Point

I've hit that grumpy point of the month. I hit 40 hours today. I have 4 more days to go til a day off, which includes being on call on saturday. I worked 86 hours last week. I'm annoyed with a few of the residents I am working with, but then again am working with a few (sadly fewer) stellar residents. I'm just tired. Coffee doesn't even make me feel happy right now, and it barely gives me the buzz I need to keep moving along.

Blah.
B

Palliative week

Mrs O died last night at midnight. That pretty much summarizes the week.

It was a long, grueling week, but probably one of the most rewarding weeks thus far. This week was essentially a learning experience in palliative medicine. I had one patient go home with home hospice. Took another person off of supportive care and started comfort measures (meaning controlling pain, taking them off of the ventilator, stopping dialysis and medical care), and then the bombshell was making Mrs O comfort measures yesterday. I spent hours with these families each day, and it was such a privilege to watch them go through the process of accepting the terminality of their family members... I realized, in the process, that a few of the docs I work with, suck at helping families in this process.

I'm starting a 7 day stretch, have one day off then have a 9 day stretch..

Catskills

Friday morning, Mrs O asked me what I was going to do with my weekend off. I wanted her to know I wouldn't see her again until Monday. "I hope you are doing something enjoyable." To me, sleeping all weekend sounded enjoyable. Sure, I had been planning on going for an overnight backpack trip on Saturday. My 2 day trip was squashed due to a work retreat on friday evening. But on Friday, I was wiped out. The thought of packing my bag, and hiking seemed like too much work. Maybe a day trip instead. And looking at Mrs O, I felt this urge to enjoy myself this weekend. No responsibility. No Errands. This is my golden weekend, damn right it should be enjoyable. Almost exactly a week ago at this time, the medicine service was asked to provide care for Mrs O. Her attending is an oncologist, and she was unwell, and wanted the residents to cover her, meaning we would coordinate her medical care at all hours. After an hour trying to sort through her complex medical history, talking to her family (Mrs O was barely conscious then), I explained that I expected Mrs O would end up in the ICU, on a ventilator, and that I wasn't sure how this would play out. I re-visited the expectations for medical care, which were to "do everything possible." The oncologist had been trying to get the patient and family to consider Do Not Resuscitate and I wasn't going to get them to change their mind at this moment. I thought it our care was bordering on frivolous that night. I was pessimistic, at best. 2 hours later I transferred her to the intermediate level ICU, aggressively treated her issues. And on Friday (she is back on the regular ward, and doing well, albeit with still undiagnosed/pressing medical issues), when she told me to "do something enjoyable," it dawned on me that she was living on borrowed time. How could I even fathom letting a free weekend pass without getting into the mountains and going for an overnight trip. In 30 years, I'm not going to regret sitting around doing nothing on free weekends, but I will regret not making use of free time to get out and enjoy life. This is the view from my tent last night. I sat here and pondered many things, but kept thinking about Mrs O. She may not be alive in 1 month, or 6 months, or 1 year, but she has been able to enjoy 7 more days of life, so far, with her family. And today, she is celebrating mother's day.

So often it seems we press code status with families. There's a slight sense of relief when complicated, or sick patients are Do Not Resuscitate. But maybe sometimes we're wrong, and not really wanting to face the challenge, the fight to help keep people live. I have thought long and hard about my own wishes if I became unwell, and it's not even clear cut to me, and I think I have good insight into the issues.

I think I'm rambling at this point.

A weekend away, hiking in gorgeous mountains, driving through small mountain towns, it's been an enjoyable weekend.

Cheers,

Brian

Med Wards

Week one: not too bad of a week. Pretty long hours though, just taking some extra time to get acquainted to my new patients earlier in the week. Kind of nice to be taking care of adults, in the sense that the medicine is a bit more complex. After my month in the emergency department, medicine is beginning to feel a bit more comfortable.

Not much going on aside from work. I am off next weekend, and am thinking about making a overnight or tonight backpacking trip to the Catskills. Would it be nice to explore some real mountains. Cheers!
Brian

My Day Off, and Green Eggs

So, I had yesterday and today off. Made a break for the mountains yesterday. Packed about 8-9 miles and camped over night. Weather was perfect. Hot yesterday (sunburned arms), and perfectly overcast and cool today. Was nice to get away, and the trail was mostly empty. I realized that I really need to move somewhere that had good mountains.

On my way back home I stopped at a brew pub. I was sitting next to the owner at the bar. People kept coming in and saying hi to the guy. Nice local place. And no shit, this guys brings a carton of eggs (god love a local place), and opens them up, and they are, in fact, GREEN EGGS! I guess they come from some kind of Peruvian hen.

Back to clinic tomorrow. And then I'm back to the ER this weekend. Tuesday will be starting back on Medicine wards. May is going to be a busy month...

Cheers,

Brian

Trauma: A Spectator Sport

I was a spectator, today. My patients were stable, it was too close to shift change to start seeing new patients. We'd had 7 "trauma" patients in 2 hours, and 3 more (all of whom had been shot), were rolling in the door, so I decided to go in the trauma room to be a spectator. I wanted to take in some coffee and popcorn, maybe heckle from the back of the room ("Hey Doc, ya gonna stop the bleeding sometime today?"). . . but didn't think it would go over well...

What a mess... I think every ER resident was there, plus god knows how many surgeons/surgical residents, plus 2 ER attendings, a dozen nurses, and some xray people, security guards, police, and us gawkers at the back. In fact, I think at one point the hospital operators put on the answering machine and popped by to watch the action. Needless to say, it wasn't pretty.

While I watched the trauma-drama unfold, all I could do was think back to the surgical pit at Bara (South Africa). Simplicity. Good care. People lived. 3 guys in Bara, showing up at the same time who had been shot, taken care of by a grand total of 5, maybe 6 docs/nurses. Surgeons without ego. People who had seen so many trauma patients that they could do their job in their sleep (In fact, I fell asleep standing up in surgery there). This "third world" hospital was delivering superior care to what I was watching.

I am closeted in the ER. I don't let them know that I worked in an ER during college. I don't let them know that I probably saw more people shot in my month at Bara than these residents will see in their entire residency. Instead, I'll happily tend to the patients that the ER residents find boring. I like the elderly folks who have fallen. I like the kids with coughs. I like the suicidal teens. I like the guy with HIV and kidney failure.

I like being an internist and a pediatrician.

Going to work, knowing that I am in my ideal profession (even when residency makes me fatigued, depressed, angry), makes me feel damn lucky.

That's what ran though my mind as I watched the trauma team. And then I left, I had better things to do than be a spectator.

I may not enter the trauma room again.
Been there, done that.

Life and Death in the ER

Not in the dramatic sense.. but last night was really life and death in the ER. One minute I'm telling a 19 year old that she is pregnant (surprise!) and then 30 minutes later I'm asking two women if they want us to continue doing CPR on their father. That was the spectrum of my night last night. You might be picturing lots of tears and hysterics, but in reality the 19 year old took the news well, as did her parents, and the sisters had been expecting their dad to pass away soon, and they were well prepared.

I'm off today. And sadly I need to finish a presentation that I have to give tomorrow. Nothing worse than having a "day off" and spending all day doing stuff for work.

B

Unlucky Socks

I wore my unlucky socks yesterday...

You see, I was on Jeopardy call yesterday. And Friday I knew I would be on the pedi ward in the morning. But I figured I would be done by noon, or 1 at the latest. I figured wearing my unlucky socks, which are these striped multi-blue socks and are fun to wear with scrubs, would be harmless.

So, at 5:45 when I finally was able to leave the hospital, I was 5 minutes out the door when I got paged back to go on a NICU transport. And of course, what should have been a simple scoop and go transport took way too long, and I finally left the hospital at 9:15 pm.

I don't mind that I spent most of my jeopardy day working. Sure, the selfish part of me really wanted to have the day free to run errands, maybe socialize, and sadly I work at 3pm today so don't really have much of a weekend at all. I took care of cool kids and nice parents yesterday, got to work with a good friend during the day, and even went to dinner in Amherst (dinner at 10pm?) and got to see some friends (work/non-work) whom I hadn't seen in AGES! What I do mind, though, is what to do about socks that I like, which are unlucky? I hadn't worn them since July, when I had an ugly on-call shift on the pedi ward... I'm guessing that they will live, forever, in my sock drawer, but it'll be a while before I wear them again.

Today is April 1st. Am starting in the Adult ER tonight at 3pm. I'm looking forward to the educational opportunity to brush up on some adult medicine topics, but have a serious mental block when it comes to thinking good thoughts about the ED in general..

Cheers,
Brian

Balcony Day

Balcony Day. Number One.

Today was quite possibly the first official balcony day of the year. A few Sundays ago might have counted as a balcony day, but you can't really have a balcony day on a weekend, or vacation day. You know the days I am talking about...

I'm walking down the hall, and I look outside and I can see the beautiful blue sky, and I just know that the weather outside is perfect. And the day is going great. Things make sense. I'm taking care of neat kids, caring parents, my attending is in clinic in the morning, so I get to round on all the kids, see a new kid, and have a little autonomy in the morning, before he comes for afternoon rounds, agrees with my plans from my morning notes, and then he even takes the time to take me down to the hematology lab and review some slides under the microscope. I still manage to sneak away from work at a decent time, and all of a sudden I feel like a kid who has a half day. And all I want to do is sit on my balcony, send a text message to my flatmate saying this is a balcony afternoon, which mandates that we will take our kitchen chairs and sit out on the balcony drinking beer and listening to our balcony CD. Of course, I don't have a balcony anymore. I don't have that cool flatmate anymore. But that's ok... The important thing is realizing that sometimes, ya just gotta stop and admire the moment.

I know, you're wondering why can't you have a balcony day on a weekend. Think about it...

Ok, it's way late, and I have to finish up a presentation for tomorrow.

Cheers,
B

PS-Hope you have a balcony day soon.

Dinner for 20

I went to see family in Chicago this weekend. (Not Chicago proper, about an hour south of the city). It was really a much needed trip. It was great to see my grandparents (who will turn 85 and 90 this summer), and the rest of the gang. "What are you going to do?" Nothing I told people. Absolutely nothing. Spend the day with my grandparents, the afternoon with my godfather in the bar, and then dinner with whomever shows up. It was exactly what I needed. 48 hours away from my life. Away from Springfield. Away from my apartment. Away from the cold. Away from work.

I had been in a bit of a rut. Just kind of going through the motions. Complacent. Status Quo. I've just been a bit unsettled. But things were brought back into focus recently. And my trip to Chicago solidified that. There was something special about sitting down to dinner with 20 family members last night to remind me that I have great family in Chicago (and Denver). And of course, great friends, from coast-to-coast, and sprinkled around the world. And while I do have good friends here, it's just not the same. And recently, that's what I miss the most. The people who I've known for ages, aren't here.

Anyway, just some recent thoughts.. I should clean up the kitchen now. I've cooked enough food (lentil soup, sweet potato samosas) to have wonderful dinners all week long.

I'm wrapping up pedi heme/oncology this week. I'm switching back to Adult-land after that, and will be in the Adult ER in April. I have really enjoyed my past 3 months in pediatrics, and it's going to be a bit of a transition back to adults...

Cheers,
Brian

Yemen Week...

Like the good cup of Yemen coffee I posted about on Sunday, this week has been the shake-up I really needed.

I've been in the pedi heme/onc clinic most of this week. Have seen a bunch of really cool kids (and parents). It's really nice to be in unfamiliar territory. I know very little about the heme/onc world. As a future practitioner in rural areas, I don't want to be the guy who misses the kiddo with leukemia, or the guy who has to send a family to a specialist 5 hours away if I can get the work up done myself.

What's made this week really good though, have been some simple reminders of how wonderful it is to be a doctor.

I volunteered in a free clinic Wednesday night (now that I have some free time this month). It's ENTIRELY volunteer. This clinic is getting meds to people who would otherwise not have access to meds. The crowd falls mostly into the under-insured category. It runs out of a private Ob-Gyn office. Very cool. Very simple. It's my cup of tea.

Then, today in clinic I saw 2 of my favorite patients, and one of my most complicated patients who is non-compliant-generally-drives-me-crazy-but-has-really-grown-on-me patients. I also saw 1 really cool kid, and one of my cool teens who we're starting on ADHD treatment. It was one of those days where I didn't care about running on time (and my patients didn't care either). It was just great to take the extra time to talk to patients. Amazing what you can learn in a few minutes. One patient and I talked about what his life was like before his health deteriorated, and for the first time I saw how much his life has really changed. One patient and I talked about his recent cruise with his partner, and their evolving plans to retire to Florida. One patient (a woman in her 80s) told me about one of her trips to London, and how having grown up in Jamaica she was able to visit all the places she had learned about as a school girl, and how one afternoon as she was taking the escalator out of the tube station one of the security guards stopped her, and it turned out to be a classmate from primary school some 30 years previous. Is that cool or what!

I don't know how doctors see 20-30 patients a day. What's the point? If you don't know who your patients are, why bother?

Maybe I'll write a few scripts for a good cup of Yemen Coffee. Free Refills, of course.

Cheers,
Brian.

Not Settling...

I was deathly low on coffee beans. Tomorrow is Monday morning. Obviously, you see the problem. I swore I wasn't going to spend any more money once I got home from brunch this morning, but this coffee bean thing was an issue.

I decided to take my pediatric heme/onc book to Barnes and Nobble and read and get some coffee beans. I'm a huge Sumatra fan. It's my go-to. In a pinch, I can count on it. But I was saddened to see that they only had ground Sumatra. I really wanted Sumatra, but I wanted whole beans. I couldn't settle. So I decided, what the hell, might as well go get some freshly roasted coffee beans (which made me realize I really need to start roasting my own regularly) and went to Rao's Coffee in Amherst. Yeah, it's half an hour away, but it's one of the best coffee shops in these parts... and I got me a pound of Yemen coffee. This stuff ain't no Folgers.

My most favorite coffee in the world is the Yemen roast from Bluebottle Coffee Company. This is how Bluebottle describes their Yemen: "One more thing: you might not like it. Lovers of clean, snappy Costa Ricans, or Colombians might consider drinking a cup of Yemen uncomfortably similar to being picked up by the lapels, shaken, then tossed into a grimy Manhattan snow bank. But for some of us, this is the most complex and desirable cup in town." And this is what Rao's has to say about their Yemen: "Yemen has not, for the most part, modernized it methods of coffee cultivation. The result is an unwashed coffee with subtle complexity: wild and exotic with flavors of berries, nuts and chocolate. Yemen’s simultaneous characteristics may take a whole cup to really grasp. "


In life, some things are worth settling for. But other times, ya just gotta go out of your way to get what's really important. Tonight, it was good coffee.

Shaken. Desirable. Unwashed. Wild. Exotic. Grasp. Sounds like the swift kick in the ass I need after recent events, and the perfect way to start a new week, a new rotation, a fresh outlook. I'm not going to settle...

A month to forget...

This month started out well, but has crashed over the past 2 weeks. . .

One of my rocks-(a stable NICU kiddo) started to get sick on presidents day, and just tanked. He died 2 days later. It was a tough few days, and in the end we withdrew care so that he could die in his parents arms--the first and only time that they would ever hold him while he was alive.

Patrick and I also decided to stop dating. This has been the most difficult decision I have had to make in years. He is a wonderful guy, and I am hopeful that we will remain very good friends for a long time.

I'm looking forward to March. . .

B

Midas Touch in the NICU

Intubation in the NICU has been my nemesis. The art of taking a tiny tube and sneaking it past the vocal cords with goal of rescuing a tiny human who can't breathe and giving them the vital capacity to get oxygen has been the bane of my NICU confidence. I was ZERO for three. Until yesterday, when I was able to finally find a bit of confidence and was able to intubate 3 kids, all were emergent intubations too... It was one of those beautiful days at work where things made sense, I knew what to do. I've had some sick kiddos and yesterday they were turning the corner. I literally watched them get better in the 24 hours I was there. That is job satisfaction. At 3am I just walked through the NICU (I had one really sick kid and knew I wasn't going to sleep all night) and peeked in on a few kids, watching them breathe. It was very calming. These kids are going to make it. (I knew I was delirious from exhaustion when I was looking into NICU fellowships at 4am)... Not headed that route..

B

NICU, again

So, I am back in the NICU. NICU is an interesting place... But better the second time around. I have had two nights on call so far, and an amazingly, have only admitted one kiddo.

Not much else exciting going on. It has been damn cold here. The good news is I have an incredible sale at GAP and Banana Republic, and have new wool sweaters to add to my wardrobe.

Things are going well with Patrick...

Not much else exciting to report. Things are very good overall. I have some free weekends in March if anybody fancies a visit to Western Massachusetts, and am scouting some ticket prices various locations, but haven't found any great deals so far.

Cheers,

Brian

Blah(g)

Blah.

That's really about all I have to say. It's freaking COLD here. COLD. Miserable cold. Seriously, I can't get warm. I'm contemplating going to the doctor, I think my internal thermostat is broken. Trust me, it's NOT my thyroid. If I hear one more person tell me to have it checked, I'll scream. Ya know how old women always seem so bundled, shawls and all, that's me!

Developmental Peds is good. I'm learning about Autism, ADD/ADHD, growth, nutrition, speech delay etc. So that means, every time I see a kid I scrutinize them. Are they hitting their developmental milestones. Do they talk enough. Are they interacting appropriately? I must say, having spent an afternoon with speech pathologists, these people are SAINTS...

As usual, the month is coming to a close, and even though this is day #12 of the rotation (I had a few vacation days at the beginning of the month), I feel like I am behind in learning for this month. Where does the time go? Seriously folks?

I took off Friday afternoon to read for pleasure. How goofy is that? I had to make time to just read. It wasn't so much reading, but rather I escaped to an old mill located by a creek, where you can hear the water inside the book mill/coffee house and just chill. This place is kind of magical. Any guess what, I had perhaps the best cup of joe in months at this place. The first sip was magical. Sitting at an old wooden table, wrapped in my shawl, listening to the water, reading. Seriously folks, that was liquid crack.

Patrick and I saw the movie "The Queen" last night. It was good. Better than I had expected it to be.

Alrighty, I need to get some work done.

Hope your 2007 is off to a good start.
-B

Home Sweet Home

It's great being back here, finally. I've seen all the fam. The kids are so big. It's been a joy just watching them play, and playing with them. The snow it pretty crazy. The tiny rental car that I have is a death trap in the snow, so that's putting a wee bit of a damper on the travel/social schedule. But really, it's been nice to just hang out with family. Patrick arrived yesterday am, on schedule. He's beginning to realize that there really are Bost traits.. I don't think he should be allowed to hang out with Nikki and Janice, they have too much inside scoop on how to manipulate Bost men...

Final Countdown

Thank god, only 3 more days to go til vacation. Honestly, I don't think I could work more than 3 more days. . . Last week really wasn't much fun. I think I'd rather stick my tongue on a frozen metal pole, repeatedly, than work this much. Looking back, I certainly can say that for the first time, I felt that I was less than professional at times. I hit a cynical low point, and at one point had to bite my tongue (I don't know why I keep coming up with ways to hurt my tongue) so that I didn't call a patient by a term normally only heard on navy vessels and at truckstops. But seriously, I had taken care of this drug seeker for a few days, and then he disrespected me. I wasn't too thrilled. . . It's been interesting to see how I deal with these times of extreme fatigue. Part of me wishes I could re-do last week to see if I could shed some of the bitterness and irritability that was pervasive.

What's keeping me going. Honestly, I can't wait to see Jordan and Ryan and Haley. It kills me that it will have been a year since I saw them. A year. A fucking year. Give me the kiddos, piper and bailey, and let me spend the days with them.

So, it's Christmas eve.. I spent a good chunk of time this evening telling a 21 year old that the reason she couldn't breathe wasn't, in fact, due to pneumonia, but rather because she has a mass in her lungs. A mass. Not a good thing. She, and her family, will wake up in the ICU on christmas day, and the ONLY THING they will be able to think is, "IS THIS CANCER?" Cancer. Is it cancer? Merry Christmas.

Jesus, it is Christmas in 30 minutes. It doesn't seem possible. I haven't seen snow this fall/winter. What's up with that? I know that you people in Denver have seen plenty of it, but I'm dying to see some of it. Snow.

I guess that's about it really. My contacts are stickying to my eyeballs. My mind wants to stay up, maybe do some work, some xmas cards, call people on the west coast. But sadly, in 7 hours I'll be headed back to work.

Honestly though, waking up on Christmas morning, alone in my apartment, isn't bad. I'm waking up healthy, maybe suffering from fatigue, but my friends, my family, and my boyfriend are all waking up healthy, and hopefully happy. Really, what else could one want for christmas??

Half Way

-one day off in the past 15 days
-one day off in the next 15 days
-an empty fridge
-topics to review
-phone calls to make
-emails to write
-a stack of unopened mail
-no time to take shirts to the dry cleaner
-why hasn't it snowed yet?
-Ireland seems like 6 months ago
-what kind of medicine do I really want to practice
-a big city, or small mountain town

I started rounding at 6am.
I am going to bed.

-B

Fucking Bitter

This is bullshit. I'm working 29 out of 31 days. I am off today, and have one day off in the next 24. What the fuck kind of bullshit is this? I went to bed at 8:30 pm last night, fucking exhausted after putting in 30 hours in 2 days. What the fuck is the purpose of having a day off? It's not enough time to do laundry, grocery shop, make calls, emails, study, let alone spend time with Patrick.

Argh! I am not a happy camper today.

Now I'm getting on-line to finish discharge summaries from the past 2 days.
b