Friday morning, Mrs O asked me what I was going to do with my weekend off. I wanted her to know I wouldn't see her again until Monday. "I hope you are doing something enjoyable." To me, sleeping all weekend sounded enjoyable. Sure, I had been planning on going for an overnight backpack trip on Saturday. My 2 day trip was squashed due to a work retreat on friday evening. But on Friday, I was wiped out. The thought of packing my bag, and hiking seemed like too much work. Maybe a day trip instead. And looking at Mrs O, I felt this urge to enjoy myself this weekend. No responsibility. No Errands. This is my golden weekend, damn right it should be enjoyable. Almost exactly a week ago at this time, the medicine service was asked to provide care for Mrs O. Her attending is an oncologist, and she was unwell, and wanted the residents to cover her, meaning we would coordinate her medical care at all hours. After an hour trying to sort through her complex medical history, talking to her family (Mrs O was barely conscious then), I explained that I expected Mrs O would end up in the ICU, on a ventilator, and that I wasn't sure how this would play out. I re-visited the expectations for medical care, which were to "do everything possible." The oncologist had been trying to get the patient and family to consider Do Not Resuscitate and I wasn't going to get them to change their mind at this moment. I thought it our care was bordering on frivolous that night. I was pessimistic, at best. 2 hours later I transferred her to the intermediate level ICU, aggressively treated her issues. And on Friday (she is back on the regular ward, and doing well, albeit with still undiagnosed/pressing medical issues), when she told me to "do something enjoyable," it dawned on me that she was living on borrowed time. How could I even fathom letting a free weekend pass without getting into the mountains and going for an overnight trip. In 30 years, I'm not going to regret sitting around doing nothing on free weekends, but I will regret not making use of free time to get out and enjoy life. This is the view from my tent last night. I sat here and pondered many things, but kept thinking about Mrs O. She may not be alive in 1 month, or 6 months, or 1 year, but she has been able to enjoy 7 more days of life, so far, with her family. And today, she is celebrating mother's day.
So often it seems we press code status with families. There's a slight sense of relief when complicated, or sick patients are Do Not Resuscitate. But maybe sometimes we're wrong, and not really wanting to face the challenge, the fight to help keep people live. I have thought long and hard about my own wishes if I became unwell, and it's not even clear cut to me, and I think I have good insight into the issues.
I think I'm rambling at this point.
A weekend away, hiking in gorgeous mountains, driving through small mountain towns, it's been an enjoyable weekend.
Cheers,
Brian
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