Reunited

Here are a few clips from this past weekend. Kevin is a great pal who is now a Specialist Reg (Senior Resident) in ER in Edinburgh. The summer I stayed in Dublin he was one of the residents on the team I was on. Anyway, we had a great weekend. Had to do loads of shopping on Sunday, because his was one of the 20,000 bags stranded at Heathrow Airport. WANKERS!

Photos from Satuday.. hanging out with friends from work.

19 & 3

19-the number of days I have worked in a row.

3-the number of months until I am on an airplane moving to South Africa

Haunted Halls

"So, you're leaving for a year, you're not getting paid, and it's not going to count-so you'll still have a year left when you come back. Why would you do that?"

90 days to go. I don't want to be asked again.

I know exactly where I was 2 years ago on this night. I was on-call on the pediatric ward as an intern.

Today, when I walked past the ICU, I was very aware that it was 2 years ago last night that Gabby died in our ICU. And the next day, the only thing I could think to do was go to work and know that being on call would keep me busy and keep my mind occupied so I wouldn't think about the horrible loss at that moment.

And today, when my co-residents ask me the why I'm leaving for a year, I'm reminded that I am on outlier in my residency program. There use to be two of us, who had convictions about using medicine as a tool to bring about change, to improve the quality of life for those who lack access to fundamental care. There use to be two of us who just didn't seem to fit in as well with our peers. Somehow we aligned early in residency, and Gabby was the one person I could call at midnight in utter disgust at what I saw going on, and I could vent to her before going to bed. Gabby was the one who called me from Florida to ask what I was doing for one of her patients that I covered when she went on Christmas break. And that seemed normal. Last weekend I called the pedi intern to remind her about an order that needed to be done, and was chastised for doing work when I had physically left the building.

As I walk past the ICU doors on the way to the adolescent ward today, I feel a twinge of pain at knowing that the one person who would have never asked me the above question is no longer alive. I see a family huddled in the waiting room, and remember that 2 years ago we were in that room, hoping for a miracle, which never came.

But... I also see how much I've changed and learned in those two years. And somehow I know that her spirit is still very much alive.

And from now on, when people ask, I'm not going to justify or defend my plans. Instead, I'm going to smile and say "because I can."

At Risk

I am at Risk.

I am at risk of fucking away a perfectly good post-call Sunday afternoon...

It is now 1036 am, and I can't decide what to do. Paralyzed by guilt of the multitude of tasks that are piling up (emails, bill, phone calls, clinic notes, taxes, laundry-almost out of clothes, groceries-down to oatmeal ) that I could care less about completing, and the competing desire to get out a live a bit (go for a drive, a hike, find a new coffee place).

14 days of work in a row.. I haven't been out of a 5 mile range and I am going stir-crazy.

Trying to fall asleep last night in the call room I just kept envisioning going home to a nice mountain cabin, reading the NY Times on a wooden patio and drinking damn good coffee.

sleep, run, gym, play, work.
what to do
what to do

where have my fun friends gone?

Dr House

It doesn't matter that I got home 4 hours late from work today.

It was a great day. It was a bit of a mad house. Lots going on and I just kind of flew solo for a most of the day. Rounding on kids. Discharging kids.

I've learned a few lessons in the past few days.
-don't ignore my nagging gut feeling
-ask smart people when you're stuck

I've had 2 teens lately with unusual medical problems. While they have both been on my team, I haven't been rounding on them directly. For reasons that are not worth mentioning.

One of them went home, better.

One of them is still in the hospital, getting worse.

And it has just been pissing me off.

Part of it has been the pedi mentality, taking time, not being aggressive in work up and treatment. And I just wasn't going to be able to leave work until I felt like we were finally getting a clue as to what the hell is going on with this person. There are specialist on the team already, but things just weren't moving along. I decided this morning that I was going to cross a fine line and go to some of my adult medicine attendings for ideas. It's taboo to consult adult docs for pedi patients. But I'd reached my limit of being passive and waiting for badness to happen and decided I'd deal with the consequences later. My plan had been to pop into the Chair Of Medicine's office (who is likely smarter than Dr House) and bow my head in disgust that we'd done a sub-par work-up thus far. Her health is worth a lot more than my pride.

But at the last minute I decided to ask another adult specialist his opinion, and he had some ideas. We talked for a while. He was a bit concerned about our lack of progress, and asked if he could see the patient, as a formal consult. That's pretty unusual. Nobody looks for more work.

He saw the patient, and likely has figured out what's going on, and gave treatment plans as well. All of this starting at what should have been the end of his day.

I feel good tonight. I don't feel good because I think we finally have a clue. I feel good because this patient is finally getting the care they should have been getting.

And I'm a bit embarrassed. This medicine attending stay late today to help. Why haven't we-the resident taking care of her-worked as hard the past few days to figure out what's going on???

Updating..

yeah, lots going on.

Work: Love and Hate.
Love working in pedi land. Taking care of kids is great. Seeing kids getting better is great. Working with some great attendings.
Hate: Not going to mention it here.

I am taking care of some beautiful babies right now. Two who have infections and are going to turn out gorgeous after finishing IV antibiotics/antivirals. I also have one adorable infant who was abused beyond belief but amazing may still develop normally and who has an awesome foster mom lined up to care for her. I offered to take this kiddo home! (Well, not really, but I'd love to be a foster uncle).

Just got over food poisoning. It's a great way to drop 3 pounds really quick. Though sleeping for 18 hours on my only day off was not great. Being positively orthostatic and dizzy on standing was a fun cheap high though.

Have heard rumor that I'm getting a medical license for SA.

Bought a ticket to fly to South Africa-leaving June 21st.

Just really working a lot right now. Am trying to figure out what I like best about my job, and what I like least. I like my autonomy. I like that the attendings who know me and respect my opinion. I like that I usually have a good idea of what to do. I like that my skills have improved over the years. I don't like realizing how much I still don't know. I don't like supervising interns and medical students. I'm not really sure I'll seek an academic post after residency.

Time to go read up a bit..

Contra Dance & Pedi Wards

Well, I will confess that last night was... FUN!

Who knew that Contra Dancing could be fun. It's basically line-dancing, with live musicians and somebody calling out the moves. Thank god, there is a walk through of the moves and then the dance happens. Though, for the last dance there wasn't a practice session, and lets just say we didn't go out with a bang.

We probably did a dozen or so dances. And the other cool thing was that you change partners after each dance. Being the newbie last night, I got to dance with most of the guys. So, the dance part itself was fun (requiring constant concentration). It was also a really cool group. It was a GLBT-Gender Free group. I was the second-youngest guy! It was like a mini-pride.

I judged people based on how they did the twirl portion of the dance. Some were gentle and slow, and some liked to whip around. When you do the twirl portion (I forget the real dance term for it), if you don't watch your dance partner's eyes, you get wicked dizzy!

I may have to go again to the next one.

I'm call tomorrow on the Pedi Ward. It has been 18 months since I was last on the pediatric ward. EIGHTEEN months... I have floated in a day or two to round on kids, but 18 months is a bit of time to be away. Though, I am looking forward to it.

Anyway, going to try and make this a productive day.

Trouble #2

I can't even remember the last time I was up until sunrise. Well, at least the last time being up until sunrise when I wasn't in the hospital working...

DT and I had planned an early night. We were going to meet up after work (damn, I still have charts to finish from clinic), grab a bite and call it an early night since he's on call today. Well, we invited a few others, a bite turned into a lavish meal, then ES and I went to the sad gay bar and ended up chatting to this guy who I saw last time I was there (back in September? October?), and we swapped numbers so that he could come to Contra Dancing (more on that in a minute) tonight.

I *finally* got home. And then the bartender from the night before called so we met up and hung out-until sunrise. He's much younger, and so much fun. Really a breath of fresh air around here. I don't think many others would have even considered intentionally staying up until sunrise.

So, I am suppose to go to a Contra Dancing event tonight. I get visions of being back in elementary school, when it must have been gym or music class where they tried to make us square-dance. It didn't go so well. I wonder if I have one of those plaid shirts with the snap buttons... Looking for Trouble #3.

Time to get busy.