Square Peg

In a round hole.

 

I snuck into noon conference to get lunch yesterday (with no intention of listening to the talk-did I mention the lunch is free) and saw David. David who is now a real doctor. Making real money. Taking care of patient as a real doctor, not having to discuss his every plan with an attending. I couldn't help but have some slight envy when I saw him. Ok, I'm lying it wasn't slight. It was pretty good envy.

 

I have a small talk which I am suppose to give tomorrow, and a small talk to give on Friday.

I'm on call tomorrow.

I no longer have an intern assigned to me.

I'm making money, but squat compared to that attending salary David is getting.

I'm tired of having to precept my management plans with attending doctors.

 

But I guess this is a small price to pay for having been able to be away last year. If I could go back in time, I'd do it all again--in a heartbeat.

 

Everyday I see people whom I haven't seen since I got back. And they all ask the same question. "Are you glad to be back?" 

 

Am.

I.

Glad.

To.

Be.

Back??

 

It's a loaded question.

 

Recently the answer is no. Yesterday I was helping the intern do a spinal tap, and we needed more numbing medication (like the stuff the dentist gives). But in order to get more lidocaine, I had to take off my sterile crap, go out of the room to a computer, and put in an order which would allow the electronic-computer-controlled-medication dispensing machine release a vial of it.. all so that the charge would be passed on to the patient. They whole process took 5 minutes. Which was 5 minutes of more discomfort for the patient (and the intern who was already sweating).. and for what cost?? To save the hospital a few bucks.

 

Recently the answer is yes. On the rare time that we'd want to use lidocaine in SA, it would likely be impossible to find some. There was a secret stash in the ICU, which was used for more intensive things, like central IVs, but we wouldn't waste lidocaine for small things, like spinal taps.

 

It's hit and miss. And I feel like the square peg, fitting into a round hole. I can fit into the holes, but it's not an ideal fit... That's just one example. There are many, on a daily basis.. but as it is, I need to go finish these talks that I have to give this week..

 

I can't wait to be done. I just want to be a doctor.
Where-I'm not sure.

Doing what-I'm not sure.

 

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