15 days ago I had the answers. I knew the job I was applying for. I knew what I wanted to do for the next year or two. I came back with expectations to coast for a year-when I got back to the US.
And Randall's death has confused me. And all of a sudden I am not sure what I want. I am not sure about my professional plans. I am not sure about my personal plans.
I am just on auto pilot.
But it is oddly refreshing to be back at my home hospital. I am enjoying a comfort zone there; a comfort zome that I have never experienced before. It's a comfort zone with my ability to function as a doctor, and a comfort zone being back in an institution where I'm so well known that people think I'm an attending. I have found it oddly comforting being back in such a familiar surrounding.
I'm going to Denver on Friday. It's a trip that has been planned for a few moths now. I can't express how much I'm looking forward to being in the presence of my family. In the troubles of the past 2 weeks, knowing that I am going to be with them is what has kept me going--that I am going to be with my brothers, my dad, and their wives, as well as seeing my nieces and nephews has been keeping me going.
In the meantime, please don't ask me what I plan to do down the road. All I know is that I doing tomorrow. It's day-by-day for now.
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