In the periods last year when I didn't keep a blog, I kept a travel journal. The writing is vastly different from what made it on the pages of the blog. The writing is more focused more like making notes to document what I was thinking at that time.
While sipping some Johnnie Walker, I decided to flip open the travel journal, and pinpoint where I was a year ago. Where was I in my thinking about where my life was headed. And where in Nepal was I?
I was in Bardia National Park. I had spend the day on a rafting trip. It had been cold. We didn't see much in the way of animals. I would be leaving early the next morning for Lumbini, the home of Buddha. I sat outside my room in the cool evening, writing a few pages as night settled in, finally writing by candle as I waited for the generator to come on.
I wrote some poignant things. About my future as I saw it then. After days of trekking, being stranded on a bus strike, and floating down a river for a day, I'd had enough time to reflect on what it is that was driving me. I'd felt this incredible enthusiasm for work, for medicine. And I wrote my plan for July 2010. I wouldn't be working in the US. There were some possibilities. NGO jobs. Baylor Pediatric AIDS corps. Locums and MSF. It's a decision that was made with complete clarity.
I've set January 1 as my arbitrary date to make a decision as to what I will be doing on July 2010. The plan that I had made a year ago got lost in the confusing period after Randall died. This past week I've discussed the job situation with many close friends (ie, my advisors), and I've narrowed it down to 2 possibilities. I have come up with a new plan, maybe plan z by this point. And I'd finally become comfortable with that plan. But reading back to what I wrote exactly a year ago from today, and made me lose, once again, that clarity. Argh.
I read on in the journal. It's the day before Randall's birthday. And I knew that I had some clarity at that time about things.
I can't help reading about where I was a year ago, when I seemed to have had answers; answers which are now gone.
The decision I am making in January 1 isn't going to be ideal, in many ways. I'll be making a decision to give me a path to follow for the short term, while I wait for some clarity...
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