This afternoon, in clinic, a patient handed me a crumpled business card of a lawyer, and he said he was suing me.
Ironically, this was the highlight of my afternoon.
I hesitate to write here how much I loathe clinic. I fear that there is some eager medical student who wants to go into med-peds and will Google and somehow come across my blog, read about how much I loathe clinic, feel it is a reflection of our program, word gets back to my boss, and then it gets all weird. If you're that person reading here, email me and we'll talk in private. Suffice to say I highly doubt I will ever practice outpatient adult primary care. Pediatric primary care, sure. Adult urgent care, sure. Pedi urgent care, sure. Free inner city walk-in clinic, sure. But adult primary care, not a snowball chance in hell. Med-Peds hospitalist, definitely. I've actually volunteered to cover some Cardiac ICU shifts this week to get out of clinic!
Anyway, I had just wrapped up seeing a patient brand-new to our clinic, who has some SERIOUS medical conditions (including possible new heart failure) who I was seeing without ANY medical records and trying to triage her medical issues, debating admitting her to the hospital so I can get a work up done that will take me 3-4 weeks in the outpatient world, and was suppose to do this all in 5 minutes. Well, I mean I should have had 30 minutes for the visit, but essentially since clinic was already behind schedule, I really had 5 minutes from when I entered the room, until I was scheduled to see my next patient (who wants to sue me-I didn't know that then), and the 4 patients after him. In reality, this new patient is complex enough that she should have had an hour or two to be seen...
So, I walk into GVs room. I'm seeing him for follow up. I saw him 2 months ago, referred him to a specialist to be seen, and gave him some meds to try and control his issue until he could be seen by the specialist. In talking to GV, he decided against taking the pills as I prescribed, and he is on the wait list for the specialist. So, essentially today's appt is a waste. Except, that I really like GV. I wanted to strangle him when I first met him since he was out of control (that'd be good ammo for the lawyer- You're Honor, He tried to STRANGLE my client), but over the 3 years I've seen him change and I no longer fear seeing his name on my schedule. So, he hands me a crumpled business card. I was hoping he hadn't crumpled my business card.. and I read it. LAW FIRM. Oh shit. Are you kidding me. I look to his family, and his relative says "He wants to sue you." Honestly, I wasn't too worried. I mean look, he hasn't even taken a handful's worth of the pills I prescribed 2 months ago.
I look GV square in the eye:
Me: You want to sue me
GV: Yes
Me: Oh really. What for?
GV: You had them put those sticky things on my chest last time.
We had to do an EKG to monitor for possible medication side effects, and he can't articulate that the sticky things were the EKG electrode patches.
I look to his family, as if to say is he outta his mind?
Me: Yeah, so?
GV: I had 4 chest hairs, and now they are gone, so I'm going to sue you!
Me: FOUR? I examined your chest when I listened to your heart, I didn't see them. How much money do you want?
I'm sure the hospital legal counsel wouldn't want me to bargain in the room, but I'm pressed for time..
GV: Five thousand dollars.
Me: Tough, I have 20 dollars til pay day.
GV: Holding out his hand.. Ok, give it to me.
Instead, I grab his head and give him a nuggie. Again, I am sure the hospital lawyers wouldn't think this is an acceptable solution to a pending lawsuit. But given that GV is 9 years old, I think it's appropriate that I use my bruit strength to remind him that I am in charge. His grandma laughs. I ask her to please give him his meds, tell them that I'll miss them for the year I'm gone, and look forward to seeing them in a year.
It's a small reprieve.
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